Some of you may have noticed that I've been somewhat absent from blogging over the last couple of weeks. Normally, I would apologise, but I've desperately needed a break. It's been a struggle and I have been failing spectacularly at maintaining the balance of my life. This time last year, I truly felt like I had found my place within my own life. I was happy, confident and thriving in every element, and I could achieve anything I put my mind to. It's frightening how one tiny stutter, can prevent everything else from functioning, and leave you feeling motionless. I haven't been able to continue deluding myself that everything is okay, and I would feel wrong trying to delude everyone else that it is too. Today, I wanted to be open and honest with myself and anyone reading, as my blog is a way of documenting everything I'm going through. 

Depression is continuous, and no matter how much you believe it, it never truly goes away. All it takes is one thing to break the cycle of recovery and destroy what you've worked so hard to build. I haven't felt motivated to do anything, and I've been struggling to understand and keep up with the demands in my life. As university piles on the pressure, and work gets busier coming into the festive season, I feel like I've lost the joy in my life. I have no time for a break, no time to look after myself and pursue hobbies that I enjoy. I spend a lot of time alone, after being so used to being around people all the time. Isolation, excessive pressure and no space to breathe; I don't know what to do.


When I look back to twelve months ago, it's like I'm looking at someone else; observing a confident, friendly and intelligent individual who achieved more than she ever believed capable. I don't know if that's me anymore. It's difficult trying to keep everything together, and even harder trying to get back to how you were before. All you're left with is nostalgia, memories that used to mean so much and a feeling of inadequacy. That person is a distant memory, and you are a shell incapable of living up to your own opinion and thought of yourself. 

By simply expressing how I feel, perhaps I can take that strength and run with it. Instead of looking back, look forward to someone I haven't yet discovered. Someone better, kinder and more confident. I want to get back on track, and despite how I feel now, I know I will. I've done it before, and I will do it again. 


Thank you for reading this slight departure from my regular type of post,

Until next time,

Rachel