I rarely stray from my set "type" of blog posts, however I feel like it's important to have these little personal "intermissions" now and then, so that I don't always appear like a soulless, robotic writing machine. I've also mentioned quite a bit that I haven't been doing too well personally lately, and it would be a disservice to both myself, and all of you if I continue posting and pretending that it's not really affecting me that much. One thing I need to learn is that it's okay, not to be okay and that I shouldn't be embarrassed about expressing how I feel. Here's hoping I don't get flustered and delete this post like I do with every other one. 

I'm burnt out, completely. It's like a supernova explosion has occurred in my brain sometime in the last two / three weeks and now everything is black. Everyone has noticed. My housemates, my parents, those who are around me frequently. But I can't admit that anything is wrong because nothing has been wrong for such a long time. I truly believed that I had been completely clear of any mental health issue, and trust me I've fought with plenty of them throughout my life. 

However, at this point in my life I really do not need this. I've been working harder than ever at uni, when it comes to my work and completely immersing myself in trying to succeed in everything. I have so much going on, probably too much, and in a sense that has definitely contributed to everything that has led up to this moment. But that's why it hurts so much that I've reached this point again, I had forgotten what it felt like to feel lower than my lowest ebb, because everything was so positive and I felt great. The irrational side of my brain is trying to tell me that I should have expected a sudden downfall in my life, because that's what always happens when things go well for me because I don't deserve to be happy. However, now I'm at an age where I can say, "Hey, fuck you, irrational voice in my head," and fight my absolute hardest to push it away back to the hole it crawls out from occasionally.

But I'm still struggling, thankfully not as much as I have before, and that's another reason I feel so down. I've gone through so much worse, so why is it affecting me so much now? Maybe because I feel like at 20 years old, I shouldn't still have to go through this? Is it because the other day my boyfriend said to me "I haven't seen you this sad in such a long time," and trust me he has seen me at my absolute worst? How am I supposed to motivate myself again when I can barely move out of my bed? 

This post is both an apology and a thank you. First of all, an apology to those who have had to deal with me the last few weeks, when I've been trapped in my own hazy, dark world. To my housemates, my colleagues, my friends and to all of you. I'm sorry I've isolated myself from all of you. I'm sorry I haven't been as involved in the things we like to do together. I'm sorry I haven't let you all know how bad it's gotten again. I haven't wanted to disappoint any of you. Secondly, a thank you, for those of you who have been patient enough to understand and wait. Even though I know you don't read this, this particular thank you goes to you Daniel, for your love, kindness and willingness to hold me, hug me and take me out of harm's way. 

I'm trying, I truly am. I don't want this to happen again, I want to get back to how things were three months ago, six months ago, even a year ago. I'm going to keep going, keep pushing and learning to understand how my brain works. I need to learn how to take a break, how to love myself again and how to truly appreciate all of the wonderful people and things I have in my life right now. I can't guarantee things will turn out okay, or that I won't be back here in a year's time writing another post like this, but I can sure as hell hope that I can do it. 

I know there are some of you who will relate to this and my message for you is this - if I can fight so can you. No matter how low you feel, or how much you have given up you can do this. I've fallen from such a great height and I'm not totally broken yet. I remain hopefully optimistic about my future, even though I can't quite picture it yet, but you should feel the same way about yourself. We all deserve the best life has to offer us, no matter how badly we've been treated before. 

If you're still reading this, I want you to know that I truly appreciate it, no matter how you feel about me after reading this. Whether you pity me, sympathise with my words or you're just here because you're bored. I don't care about your reason for reading, but the fact that you cared enough to read this post says a lot, and for that I thank you for that. I hope this has at least explained part of my isolation and erratic behaviour. I hope you can get behind me and root for my slow, but steady recovery again.

Thank you, 
Rachel