WHAT I HOPE TO ACHIEVE IN 2020
January 07, 2020Now that its finally over, I can categorically state without any hesitation that 2019 was probably the worst year of my life. Despite the weeks and months that brought some wonderful people into my life, and the few snippets of objectively "good" days and events I experienced, never have I felt more grateful or excited to leave the last twelve months firmly in the past. In a year where I struggled with regressing mental and physical health issues, lost people close to me through numerous faults of my own and began to question every fibre of my personality and self-worth, at certain points I truly believed that I would never see the start of this year. Fortunately, I did, and I was able to ring in the new decade with people that matter more to me than anything else. Now, I'm finally allowing myself to look beyond everything that 2019 took me through, and I hope I'm not being too optimistic when I say that I sincerely feel as through 2020 is going to be the best year of my life.
Therefore, I've decided to piece together all of my thoughts and ambitions into one list, with the expectation of meeting every reasonable goal I can this year. I have more determination than ever before to reach every achievement on this list, and I can only hope that by this time next year I'll be sitting in front of my laptop screen nostalgically reminiscing over this moment with a surge of pride that I managed to accomplish everything I intend to over the next twelve months.
BEGIN WORK ON MY PhD
In my last venture back into the world of blogging, I hinted at my previous academic difficulties regarding my postgraduate degree. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and looking back on that decision, I realise now that I was not in the right frame of my mind to continue studying so abruptly after my undergrad. I remember one of my friend's commenting that between the last quarter of 2018 I had achieved more than most real, functioning adults accomplish in an entire year: I completed one degree and started another, I moved house (again) into a situation that was not entirely suitable to where my life was going, and I got temporarily promoted at work. So therefore, I began 2019 completely mentally exhausted and on the brink of a total breakdown, which came very soon thereafter.
I made a vow that after completing my postgraduate degree, I would take a year out before applying for my PhD and searching for a "real" job. I know my heart lies in academia, and there is nothing that I feel more at home in than researching, reading or writing about literature. Over the coming weeks, I'm hopefully going to meet with my lecturers and begin the process of applying for my PhD. Right now I know I'm in the right place to focus on my future, and whether or not I continue with my studies immediately, or find work in my field of interest, I am determined to pursue my passions and hold onto them for as long as I can.
START FOCUSING ON MY BLOG
The one thing that I miss above everything else, is the ability to turn to this blog and know that I will always have a space in which I can completely be myself. I felt at a loss for so long as to how to continue with this blog, which left me with nowhere to articulate my thoughts and feelings on so many subjects that matter to me - personal and trivial. I lost my inspiration to continue on with it, and only recently has that desire to write began to claw its way back to the forefront of my brain. I look back now at all of the figures, brand collabs and posts and realise that the most important emotion that I should feel within is pride. I find myself completely in awe of all the incredible things that I was able to achieve just through writing and being unselfish in my thoughts, and all I can do now is hope that I will be able to find that again.
I gain so much enjoyment and excitement from planning posts and writing in the spur of the moment. I love to take and edit photos, and lose myself in my own thoughts until my old English student brain kicks in and reminds me to breathe. I love every facet and part of the blogging atmosphere and I hope that this year I can find myself once again through the power of words and emotions.
TRAVEL MORE, TRAVEL BIG, TRAVEL FAR
I am the world's worst Sagittarius. My desire to see the world and experience everything on offer only stretches so far. Wanderlust isn't in my vocabulary and my very frugal budget and travel anxiety prohibit me from booking too many things in advance. However, with that being said I managed to visit some wonderful places with my partner over the summer, without straying too far from home. It ignited the previously dormant passions of discovery and adventure inside me, and this year we are planning big. I've always longed to be someone who books city breaks and long-haul holidays, and after seeing the majority of what Northern Ireland has to offer, I think its finally time to say, "Fuck it," and set my sights further afield. I want to see everything I can whilst I still can, so 2020 is the year I finally pluck up the courage to be impulsive and spontaneously book more trips to look forward to.
READ AND WRITE LIKE NEVER BEFORE
After finishing my degree, the one thing that I looked forward to above all else, was the chance to finally read at my own pace and for my own pleasure. I didn't quite manage to meet my reading challenge for last year, but I gave it a pretty good attempt all things considered. This year I'm trying to raise the bar on myself, and never feel bored or at a loss for something to do. Any time "wasted" should be spent doing something that I love, or focusing my energy on a creative project. Towards the middle of the year, I started to write my own essays and poems, and by the end of this year I would love to feel confident enough in them to share them on my blog or even pitch them to publishers. I've toyed with the idea of freelance writing for long enough, and I feel ready to take the plunge and do it.
SEEK HELP AND SPEAK OUT
Something that I always aim for but somewhat struggle to achieve each year, is the ability to ask for help and support regarding my physical and mental well-being. Baby steps are the essential building blocks to anyone's journey into recovery, but for every baby step I manage to take it feels like an almighty gust of wind knocks me back to the beginning. My mental health is something that I've always actively sought to keep on top of, and for a brief period of time it felt as through I had everything under control. However, this year after an increasing number of intense and painful physical flare ups, I had to focus my attention onto my physical rather than mental well-being.
Fortunately, I've had a great support system of sympathetic and understanding people around me who I can depend on even to help with even the most basic of tasks. My workplace have also been stellar in putting provisions in place that enable me to continue to do my job as effectively as possible. Ultimately, I know that it will take a lot more than baby steps to deal with chronic physical and mental obstacles, and my goal regarding that for the upcoming months is to seek as much help from as many means as possible. Pride and shame are the most incapacitating emotions, and the dichotomy between the two is something that I've always struggled to overcome. But I cannot continue to let my fear of not being "sick" enough hold me back from reaching my full potential, and rediscovering the person I used to be.
And there you have it! One week into 2020 and my heart and mind already feel more at ease than they did last year. I can only hope that this is the beginning of the most wonderful year and decade of my life.
Let me know what you want to achieve this year. Have you set yourself goals? Or do you prefer to take it day by day?
Thanks for reading, and for all of your continued love and support. It means the absolute world.
Until next time,
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