2017 has not been the best year for me, mentally and emotionally. Nothing drastic has really changed about my life, however internally my emotions have been stretched to their limits, and I feel like I've lost all sense of who I built myself up to be throughout 2016. I concluded last year feeling confident, empowered, and like I had finally figured out my place in the world, but right now I have no idea where I stand in my own life. However, despite the enormous amount of pressure that I have admittedly placed on my own shoulders, and the severe knocks to my mental and physical health over the last twelve months, I have finally started to feel like me again. The me that works hard to please herself. The me who tries to be considerate and kind to those around her, without expecting anything in return. The me that feels like she belongs no matter what situation she is placed in. The me who is excited and happy to wake up every day and see what that day has in store for her. This weekend, it's like a lighbulb has went off inside my brain, and I feel like my life is finally slotting together again.
If you've followed me for a while, then you'll know that my mental health is something I've always felt compelled to be honest and expressive about. After all, it's a huge part of how I think and how I act sometimes, and it's in the background of my mind every single day. But sometimes it can take over, and I feel like that has definitely happened this year. I let my own insecurities and doubts about my capabilities take over, and that little voice inside my head that tells me I'm not good enough has had way too much of a say, rendering me incapable of working to the standard I had come to expect of myself in both my job and my studies. There have been several points this year where I have seriously contemplating packing the whole lot in, deleting every form of social media I have and crawling into a cave to live with a family of bears and never been seen again. Okay, I might be exaggerating about that last part just a little bit, but in all honesty, it felt like every step in my recover had been shattered to pieces at various points in 2017. I stopped looking out for the people around me, and as a result I've been left feeling pretty isolated despite still having a wonderful group of friends around me who are literally a message away from reassurance. I also stopped looking after myself, and I can't remember the last time I engaged in a regular eating and sleeping pattern. At one point it was as if I was a little tiny golf ball stuck in a sandpit, and no amount of pushing and pushing could get me out of that slump.
HAT: PRIMARK
SCARF: NEW LOOK
BADGES: WATERSTONES
COAT: F+F
POLO NECK: NEW LOOK
FLARES: TOPSHOP
BOOTS: PRIMARK
If there's one thing that I have learnt over the years, it's that you can't rely solely on others to help you achieve your happiness in life. When I look back at who I was almost a year ago, I see a girl who had a great support system around her, but who also built herself up into the confident, outgoing and vibrant woman she came to be. That is who I want to be, and over the last couple of weeks that is who I've started to feel like again. The most difficult thing about recovery and progression is that it comes in waves, and that's really fucking hard to deal with. You can be on top of the world for so long, and suddenly you feel your darkness creep up on you and start to take over, and there is not one damn thing you can do to stop it taking hold. I admire anyone who manages to rise above it and not succumb to it, as I am the total opposite. This last week or so I have noticed a massive change in myself, (despite also being massively ill and sicky) that I haven't seen in forever.
When I go to work, I no longer feel anxious about what the day will have in store for me. Instead I feel at home. When I'm in class I feel engaged, I want to participate and I want to improve and learn and apply everything that I have learnt to my daily life. When I see my friends, I want to ask them every question I can think of and ensure that they too feel happy and cherished, instead of replying on them to carry me through the day. For the first time in a really long time, I'm beginning to see flashes of the old me rise to the surface, and I'm determined to make those flashes explode into nebulae of self-confidence, determination, self-love and hard work. The woman I was in 2016 was incredible, but she's not who I became in 2017, and I will definitely improve on her in 2018.
I am without a doubt, my own worst enemy, my harshest critic and every other negative cliche wrapped into one tiny ball of self-doubt. We all have our ups, own downs and sometimes it feels like we can never seem to put the jigsaw pieces of our lives into the right place all at once. This is something I have to learn to come to terms with, but something that I am determined to come to terms with. That's all part of recovery, and one day I will get back to the person I know is hiding away inside of me. Right now, that lightbulb of motivation is burning brightly in my brain, and I will not let it go out without a fight.
If you've made it to the conclusion of this publicly displayed internal monologue, I want to say a huge big thank you for sticking with me, and allowing me to express my thoughts and feelings so freely. I hope you've enjoyed reading, and I'll see you tomorrow for my next Blogmas post!
Until then,
Rachel x
If you've made it to the conclusion of this publicly displayed internal monologue, I want to say a huge big thank you for sticking with me, and allowing me to express my thoughts and feelings so freely. I hope you've enjoyed reading, and I'll see you tomorrow for my next Blogmas post!
Until then,
Rachel x
- December 03, 2017
- 23 Comments
